Maybe in 30 seconds, or 1 hour, or 2 days, this will be over. This will be just a stupid thought. Please, take this feeling away. Breathing in, breathing out. Who am I? Oh tell me, who the hell am I?
It's really terrifying. Terrifying in a way that everything I did, and everything I were thinking of, was just me, lying to myself for so long. Took a deep breath before I were speaking, because the feelings I had inside of me, made me breathless and I almost started to cry every time I spoke. All these sleepless nights, prayed to someone I didn't believed existed, asking for help. And sleep didn't really help because it was my soul that were tired.
But I survived, and no one ever helped me. No one changed these thoughts of mine. I just had to accept it. Because it wasn't me who were crazy, but the world. Because everyone told me "go follow your heart", but when it came to what I really wanted, what was hidden behind closed doors; all I could hear were people, whispering about this stupid little girl, who were just a shame. Crazy. Mad.
It's just a phase. Just a stupid phase. Many times I've been looking like a fool, an idiot. Are your sure you that you want to be with girls? I mean - you don't look gay. Are you really sure? Maybe you haven't met the right man. Who's the feminine one, and who's the masculine one in your relationship? You don't look gay.
You tell me. What am I supposed to look like? This is just me, being myself in a twisted world, full of stupid judgements about how you're supposed to look, who you're supposed to be. I'm with a woman, and we're both the women in our relationship. Even though so many people find it wrong to be gay, I'm the typical example of extremely wrong. A woman who doesn't look gay. So please tell me, who's the crazy ones?
I always had to act like it wasn't a big deal. That words didn't hurt me at all. That all these stupid questions about how it is to sleep with a woman, if I'm interested in all women and how it is to see friends change clothes - didn't made me sad. I'm like an open book. I always reply with a smile on my face, saying that it is okay to ask. Because I am not ashamed of who I am. I am proud. I am proud so proud of myself. I am so proud of what I have become, everything I have gone through. But I am not proud of the people, I am not proud of the world - asking me questions about this every single day, make me feel like an outsider, like someone who doesn't belong with the others. It's like knowing that you're sick, and every day, people want you to tell them about your illness.
I've destroyed myself in so many ways, but didn't realized it until I fixed myself again. Until I came out of that closet I was hiding in for so long. I became myself in world that told me to be someone else. I forgave myself for all these times I've been beating myself up, lying to myself, just to make other people comfortable.
Maybe in 30 seconds, or 1 hour, or 2 days, this will be over. Maybe one day we will all accept each other. Same sex marriage will just be called marriage, homophobia will just be an old word, and this text will just be a memory of a horrible world that sooner became a happier place.